When Self-Awareness Isn't Enough to Heal

Internal family systems therapy in St Paul, Minnesota

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You've done the work. You've read the books, listened to the podcasts, maybe even tried therapy before. You understand why you're struggling after your pregnancy loss, traumatic birth, or infertility journey. You can identify your patterns, explain your triggers, and analyze your responses.

And still. One part of you desperately wants to connect with your baby, while another part feels completely numb. One part pushes you to be the perfect mother, while another part is utterly exhausted. One part knows logically that what happened wasn't your fault, while another part can't stop the guilt and shame.

It's not because you aren't doing enough or because you're somehow failing at healing. It's because having different parts of yourself in conflict is actually completely normal, and Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy can help you work with them instead of against them.

I offer IFS therapy both online throughout Minnesota and in-person in St Paul to help women heal from infertility, pregnancy loss, birth trauma, and NICU complications. This isn't about more insight or understanding. It's about a completely different way of relating to yourself.

You're Not "Too Much." You're Having a Normal Response to Trauma

Here's what no one tells you about perinatal trauma: your intelligence and self-awareness, while incredible strengths, can't override the different parts of you that got activated during your traumatic experience.

Maybe you notice:

  • Part of you wants to bond with your baby, but another part keeps you emotionally distant

  • Part of you knows it wasn't your fault, but another part can't stop blaming yourself

  • Part of you wants support, but another part pushes everyone away

  • Part of you desperately wants to relax, but another part is constantly scanning for danger

  • Part of you wants to grieve, but another part says you should just be grateful and move on

These aren't character flaws or signs something is fundamentally wrong with you. These are different parts of your internal system trying to protect you, help you cope, or manage overwhelming feelings, often in ways that conflict with each other.

You're exhausted from the internal battle. You want to feel integrated instead of fragmented. You want all these different parts to work together instead of pulling you in opposite directions.

You deserve more than just understanding what's happening. You deserve actual healing.

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What Is IFS and How Does It Work?

Internal Family Systems (IFS) is a therapeutic approach based on the understanding that our minds naturally organize into different parts. Each part has its own perspective, feelings, and protective role. When something traumatic happens (a devastating loss, a terrifying birth, infertility that turned your world upside down), certain parts become extreme in their efforts to protect you.

The hypervigilant part constantly checking for danger. The perfectionist trying to control everything so nothing bad happens again. The numb part disconnecting you from pain. The critic blaming you for what happened. These aren't problems to eliminate. They're parts of you that developed for good reasons, trying to keep you safe or help you survive.

At the center of your internal system is your Self, the part of you that's naturally calm, curious, compassionate, and confident. IFS helps your Self connect with and lead your parts, rather than being overwhelmed or controlled by them.

We're not erasing parts of you or making you "get over it." We're helping these protective parts trust that your Self can handle things, so they don't have to work so hard in ways that aren't serving you anymore.

Why IFS Is Particularly Effective for Perinatal Trauma

Your protective responses make sense. Perinatal trauma creates understandable protective responses. IFS honors these responses rather than trying to eliminate them with willpower or positive thinking. The part that won't let you relax isn't your enemy. It's trying to protect you from experiencing another loss or traumatic event.

Conflicting feelings need space. Grief and gratitude. Anger and love. Trauma and joy. IFS recognizes that different parts can hold completely different (even contradictory) feelings at the same time. You don't have to choose. Both can be true. Both deserve space.

The grief has layers. You're not just grieving one thing. You're grieving the baby, the pregnancy experience you didn't get, the birth you imagined, maybe the innocence and joy you felt before everything changed. IFS helps you process these complex layers without requiring you to pick one feeling or make your experience smaller.

Guilt and shame need more than logic. You might know intellectually that what happened wasn't your fault, but that doesn't stop the shame. IFS helps you work with the parts carrying guilt and self-blame, helping them release these burdens rather than just trying to talk yourself out of them.

What to Expect in IFS Therapy

We start with noticing, not fixing. Before we try to change anything, we help you notice when parts are present. You might become aware of the anxious thoughts, the tightness in your chest when someone asks about your baby, or the urge to withdraw. Rather than pushing these experiences away, I'll invite you to get curious: What part of you is showing up right now? What does it want you to know?

This creates crucial breathing room. Instead of "I'm failing as a mother," you might recognize, "A part of me believes I'm failing." That distinction (recognizing it as a part rather than all of who you are) opens the door to real change.

Your job is just to notice, not control. IFS sessions feel different than traditional talk therapy. Rather than analyzing from a distance, I help you turn inward and notice your internal experience. As you describe what you're sensing (anxiety, numbness, anger, grief), I help you create space between you (your Self) and the part you're experiencing.

Whatever comes up during our work together, you simply notice without judging. Your internal system knows what it needs. You don't have to make anything happen or force insights.

We work at your system's pace. Some parts need time to build trust before they allow deeper work. We respect that. I'm trained to recognize when processing is productive versus when it's becoming overwhelming, and I'll help regulate the pace. The goal is effective but manageable healing, not to overwhelm you or push you faster than you're ready for.

The changes are often gradual but profound. Over time, you'll likely notice that the internal conflict starts to ease. The part that's been anxious softens when it trusts your Self can handle things. The part carrying shame begins to release the burden it's been holding. The part that's been numb allows you to feel again without being overwhelmed.

You become more present with your baby. You experience moments of genuine joy without immediately bracing for disaster. You can acknowledge grief without drowning in it. You trust yourself again.

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Integrating IFS with EMDR

I often combine IFS with EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) because sometimes we need to work with the specific parts holding traumatic memories while also helping your brain process those memories in a new way.

When we integrate IFS with EMDR, we can identify which part is carrying the trauma from your birth, loss, or infertility experience, ask for its permission and cooperation, and then use EMDR to help process the memory. This combination is incredibly powerful because it honors your protective system while addressing trauma at the nervous system level.

For example, we might work with the hypervigilant protector part first, helping it understand we're not going to overwhelm you or leave you unprotected. Once this part feels reassured, it may allow access to the part holding the terror from your traumatic experience. We can then use EMDR to process that memory while your Self remains present and compassionate.

IFS Intensives for Deeper Work

I also offer IFS intensives, extended sessions or a series of sessions over a few days where we do concentrated work in a condensed timeframe. This can be especially helpful if you:

  • Have limited time due to work and parenting demands

  • Want to go deeper than traditional 50-minute weekly sessions allow

  • Live outside the St Paul area but want to work with me online

  • Find that parts need more time to build trust and reveal what they're holding

Intensives create space for your parts to fully emerge and begin healing without the interruption of having to stop and wait another week. This format is particularly valuable for IFS work.

You Don't Have to Keep Managing All These Parts Alone

Look, I get it. You're used to being the competent one, the problem-solver, the person who figures things out. You've probably spent your whole life helping everyone else while managing your own struggles internally.

But healing from perinatal trauma isn't something you can muscle through with sheer determination or self-awareness alone.

IFS offers something different. It's a way to work with all the parts of yourself that are in conflict, helping them heal and integrate so you can actually feel whole instead of fragmented. You can feel present in your life again. You can release the guilt and shame you've been carrying. You can experience joy in motherhood (or in trying to become a mother) without constant internal battles.

This isn't about becoming a different person or eliminating parts of yourself. It's about all parts of you working together under the compassionate leadership of your Self, rather than fighting each other or overwhelming you.

You deserve to move from surviving to actually thriving.

I offer IFS therapy both online throughout Minnesota and in-person in St Paul. We'll start with a genuine conversation about what you're going through and how therapy can help. No pressure, just real talk about what healing could look like for you.

Ready to take the next step? Contact me to schedule a consultation or ask questions about my approach and availability.

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Frequently Asked Questions

Honestly? It depends. Every woman's experience is different, and healing doesn't happen on a rigid timeline. Some women experience meaningful shifts within a few months, while deeper healing of complex trauma may take longer. We'll work at a pace that feels right for your system, and I won't rush you through your healing just to check boxes.
This is completely normal at first, and it's not a failure. Sometimes protective parts need to build trust before they allow this kind of internal access. We work at the pace your system sets, and I help you develop the capacity for this kind of internal attention over time. Some people connect with parts through sensations, images, or feelings rather than literal voices, and that's completely fine.
Not necessarily. While I need to understand generally what you've been through, IFS focuses on your internal experience in the present moment, how parts are showing up now and what they need. This can be particularly helpful if talking about your trauma in detail feels overwhelming.
Absolutely. IFS can be effectively conducted in online sessions. The internal work translates well to virtual settings, and you might even feel more comfortable doing this kind of vulnerable work from your own home.
It doesn't matter if your traumatic experience happened last month or ten years ago. Trauma doesn't have an expiration date. If you're still experiencing internal conflict, if different parts are still fighting each other, if the trauma still affects how you move through the world, IFS can help. Your healing isn't less valid because time has passed.
If your previous therapy was primarily talk therapy focused on insight and understanding, then yes, IFS offers something different. IFS works with your internal system in an experiential way, not just an analytical one. Even if you already understand yourself well, this approach creates a different kind of change.
If you're struggling with the symptoms we've talked about (internal conflict, parts fighting each other, anxiety, disconnection, guilt, shame), your experience counts. Trauma is defined by how you experienced it, not by what happened objectively or whether others think it was "bad enough."
Yes, though we'll talk about timing and pacing based on your specific situation. Some women prefer to wait, while others want to work with their parts during pregnancy or early motherhood. We can adjust the intensity and frequency of sessions based on what you can manage, and we'll work together to determine what makes sense for you.
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Jennie Hardman Therapy is a Minnesota-based practice dedicated to helping adults feel like themselves again through goal-oriented, evidence-based counseling. Specializing in anxiety, EMDR for trauma, and perinatal support, Jennie uses a "two-fold" approach that addresses both immediate symptom relief and deep-rooted causes. Whether meeting in person in St. Paul or through secure virtual sessions, her mission is to provide a safe space for clients to "exhale," process their pasts, and build the tangible skills necessary to face the future with confidence and clarity.